There are some aspects you should be careful. Maybe it is necessary to study again the content section. Not answering or missing information will take points away.
You are getting better at writing a story, unfortunately is not perfect yet. There are some points that you are forgetting about, pay attention to the correct use of grammar tenses, adverbial phrases, spelling and punctuation.
Excellent! Your writing is now acceptable. There is always something that can be corrected but you are certainly answering what is being asked and you have used grammar tenses in the right way as well as passive voice in present perfect.